Jane Austen Murder Club
by ThatStrangeOne
Summary: A reunion with an old friend leads to an 'adventure' that Riff, Cain and Merryweather would never have expected. What does Jane Austen and Delilah have to do with the strange happenings at the Dogulass estate?


Well I have started my first story. I suppose I would like some reviews and sorry if the grammar/ spelling is atrocious, this is unbeta'd. I, of course have no idea what a beta is but it seems to involve good punctuation from what I have gathered.

I am trying to keep the original characters as in-character as possible so any tips would be helpful.

I don't know if I will make this a Riff/Cain yet, I will see how the story flows and if the reviewers want it (hint hint review hint)

So anyway, please read and review

_To Mr Antonio Abarca_

_Hello, my old friend. I am writing to you now from my quarters in my master's house, I hope that you will be receiving this missive in the same circumstances I am writing it._

_Since we parted three years ago I am ashamed to acknowledge that we have not kept contact with one another. I am sure that, as you read this you are wondering why I chose to suddenly contact you without reason; well the explanation is slightly queer..._

_As I was walking with the Count and young Miss. Maryweather two days prior to this one, the young mistress halted and asked her brother to buy her a jar of olives being sold at the curb side. My master (always indulgent of his sister) agreed and ordered me to purchase the food while the siblings sat down to lunch at a near-by restaurant. I went to buy the olives and found that the sign advertising them read 'Imported Spanish Black Olives-from Spain' while I found the sign fairly redundant it did serve to remind me of a certain individual who hails from Spain and adores black olives (for some peculiar and incomprehensible reason) which lead me to write this letter._

_Well now that I have explained myself to some degree I must end this letter shortly due to having other urgent duties I must attend to. I will send this letter to the address I know you inhabited three years ago, if you have discontinues your lease then I hope your former landlady would be kind enough to forward this to your new address._

_I hope to hear from you soon,_

_From Riffael Raffit_

_Post script- I cannot believe I forgot to include the original purpose of this message, which was to ask how you have been these past three years, forgive me for my error._

**To Riff Raff,**

**Why such formal language? I see living with that devil spawn has caused you to lose all humour.**

**I am joking of course, partly- you still have some humour and the child is more likely from the sixth ring of hell, not the seventh. There were seven rings right? These things escape my mind easily.**

**Actually the kid would be seventeen by now, correct? Do you still have to bathe him?**

**You should note that I have just finished laughing uncontrollably at the memory of the time I entered the bathroom while you were bathing my former masters 'lower regions' that was an amusing day. Though, it was even more amusing of course when I was able to tease you about it from that day onwards.**

**Oh dear, I just wrote roughly one hundred words on the evil child, what a waste of paper. I am sure you are as attached to him as ever so there is no question that the master in your letter is the esteemed Earl Cain. C. Hargraves (Does anyone really know what the 'C' stands for?) but this 'Miss Maryweather' seems to be the newest character cast in the tragic play of 'The horrible house of Hargraves' poor thing probably doesn't know what she has stumbled across...Is she attractive?**

**Wait, I seem to have started this letter in a rather bitter way, I apologise, I do not want this to be the first impression you receive of me after three years of separation, if I had more paper I would start anew but I am rather short on resources at the moment.**

**Well, let me try again.**

**Hello! My dearest friend Riff Raff! I am so glad to hear from you again. That ridiculous sense of shame has stayed with you through the years I see; please do remember that I did not make an effort to stay in contact with you either. We have both been busy these past years, what with you dealing with the temper tantrums of epic magnitude that only a 5 year old girl and Earl Cain can manage and me job searching after I quit from the Hargraves household it is understandable that we were unable to keep in contact, so no blaming yourself or I'll have Sarah deal with you!**

"**I hope that you will be receiving this missive in the same circumstances I am writing it." Dear goodness, you're not subtle at all are you? You can just simply ask me if I am employed, no need to be poetic about it.**

**You will be happy, I am sure (if I haven't offended you to a great degree in this communication) to know that I have found employment in the House of the Douglass family, who I am proud to say have no qualms about hiring a Spaniard as their head butler.**

**I doesn't hurt that they live in the country side far, far away from the Hargraves estates and have had little to no close contact with the Earl of poisons. I suppose the one good thing about the earl was that he did not seem to mind my Spanish origins while many prospective employers seemed to believe that being Spanish was on par with a record on thievery within a household.**

**Honestly, who would fault me for being from the country of passion? Where Olives grow and...Well I forgot what else happens in Spain, I haven't been there since I was a boy. But the point is that they were being unfairly prejudiced! And olives are amazing, you're primitive British tastes could not possibly comprehend the fantastic flavour of olives! **

**Thank you for your concern Riff, I am now very much pleased with my new position to keep me busy. I don't know how you manage to be head butler AND the boys personal manservant, you stun and amaze me Riffael. **

**I have gone on for a while now haven't I? I apologise. Let me end this correspondence with a question of my own. How have you been?**

**From,**

**Toni**

**Postscript- Have you read any of that dead woman, Jane Austin's novels? They are truly horrible**

_To Toni_

_Well, I see you're humour is as vicious as ever._

_There is really no need to be so cruel to the young master; you experienced a few mishaps regarding some corpses and you instantly stigmatise him, the entire staff of the Hargraves household must deal with that so please cease having a temper tantrum equivalent to that of a "5 year old girl"_

_I am sure I have mentioned before that you speak and scribe is the strangest way possible, but your letter has prompted me to bring attention to it again. Your lack of censor and formality is completely appalling, I never know how you conjure up such strange phrases in your head but it would be incredibly humorous if most of your quips were __not __at Count Hargraves expense._

_But I digress, I am glad you found a job placement and a promotion at such a young age as well at that. Ever since you left the services of Master Cain and leased Sarah's rooms I have often hoped that you would find a suitable household to express your significant talents._

_You say you work at the Douglass house? Why does that sound familiar...?_

_In any case you disgust me; Miss. Maryweather is the TEN years old sister of Master Cain. Also you're horrible taste in food causes me to feel contempt towards you, olives are simply vile._

_I am doing well as long as I am allowed to remain in the services of Master Cain, the presence of Miss Maryweather has brought a new...life to the house ever since she appeared in Master Cain's life, some time ago now. _

_Yes I have read one chapter of one of her works; I agree it was quite horrible. That was a fairly unrelated question to ask._

_On a more relevant note, it is a shame you are so far away I would have liked to meet you in person, perhaps box each other again; I believe it was 52 to 54 my way. Or we could play some sport with Sarah referring the match (as always)_

_Whatever happened with the both of you? You would always vow you would marry her one day, I remember you wrote 'Mrs. Sarah Abarca' in the spouse section of your employment application form and when she discovered what you had done she brutally beat you with the old broom that was infested with fleas (you were as well after the incident, if I recall)_

_I must end this letter, Master Cain will be back in half an hour and then I will not have time to post this to the new address you sent me._

_From,_

_Riff_

**To Riff Raff**

**Ha! I take the fact that you ignored the question about you still bathing your Master Cain as an admission that you still do bathe him!**

**The Jane Austin question really is not such a random enquiry once put in context, but I do not believe I will share it with you after your heartless comments about my attitude to my former master.**

**A few corpses? I swear the brat killed that French maid girl! He would glare at her whenever she came near you; it made me afraid to do the same! And why does EVERYONE die around him? It can't be a coincidence; people just DIE around the demonic creation, I think he does it on purpose; it is hazardous to be near the boy. He is cruel as well, his eyes are chilling and he plays with deadly poisons. That is reason enough to stigmatise him. You truly wonder why most of my jokes are at his expense? It is simply because he is such an easy target, my friend. His issues surmount those of Vincent Van Gogh. I believe you know of the artist who cut off his own ear and stalked a woman until she committed the sin of suicide to escape him?**

**I don't think being in the child's service is what constitutes as 'good' perhaps you could gain employment at the Douglass's cousin's estate, I hear they are hiring. Thought I am sure this Maryweather makes things more bearable I am sure it would be healthier for you to be away from Earl Hargraves. **

**It was 53 to 54! Don't try to botch the scores old chap! If you were in the services of my family's cousins then you would be closer...**

**Oh dear, the young mistress is calling for her new shoes. Why does she as-**

**I apologise, she cut me off and I cannot recall what I was writing...I seem to be rather forgetful lately...**

**Now why do all our letters centre on the esoteric earl? I concede I am to blame, I feel anger towards him. You know why this is so and the sudden contact with you has brought about these negative words and emotions, lets chalk it up to the passionate Spanish blood through my veins, yes? We cannot all be cool and proper British gentlemen such as you. Never the less, I vow to keep my conversation and prose away from the Earl and keep thing between us perfectly cordial.**

**From, your newly self-restraint friend**

**Toni**

**To Riff**

**Oh, buck up Riff, We can talk about many other issues, such as sport and stories of servitude; do not ignore my letters due to my habit of carrying on about such spiteful subjects.**

**Now that I recall the child was not at all as unamiable as I remember.**

**May I...apologies for my misconduct. Dear goodness I feel like a child being scolded, you really missed your calling as a school teacher didn't you?**

**Well, if you have finished acting like a scorned maiden I will be awaiting a reply.**

**From,**

**Toni**

_To Toni,_

_I now remember why the name Douglass is so familiar, due to recent developments Master Cain will be staying at the family's manor for an undisclosed amount of time._

_I am sure the Count will be most pleases to see his old chimney sweep and shoe shine boy._

_I will be meeting you soon to continue our boxing match._

_From_

_Riff_

_Postscript- No I have never heard of such a strange character as Mr. Van Gough, is he a figment of your imagination perhaps?_

**To Riff**

**No! No, don't come over! I do not wish death on any person here! I have finally found a good work placement with pleasant people, why are you doing this to me Riff? Have I offended you? I swear I'm sorry, but please don't come here with your evil cursed midget master!**

**From, your most apologetic and dearest friend,**

**Antonio**


End file.
